Hey hey! I've been around the sun 29 times!

So I'm 1/4 of the way through a bottle of whiskey. It's a daunting task, but I know I'm up for the challenge. Woohoo, happy birthday to me!! I got borned 513 weeks ago. Lookit' me go!!

Lately I've been worrying about my heart so I'd like to share a couple snacks and tricks I've developed over the days to cope.

1.) Pepperoni dipped in cream cheese.

Personally, this gets me going every time my heart starts a' palpitating. Just take some pepperoni and smear some cream cheese on its face, and ingest. Hmmm mmm.
Classy and delicious.

2.) Chug 5 Redbulls

Any time I wanna show my heart who is boss for actin' up, I chug 5 redbulls. Cocaine water is a great chaser. (Recipe for Cocaine Water to come at a later date)

3.) Gargbage-Disposal Gunk

Stick your hand in the garbage disposal and see what gunk you can scrape out. This is the definition of strong so by instinct you should want to eat it to gain its strength.

4.) Eat other people's teeth

So, your heart is a little wonky. Hey, what would a fuckin' black wizard do? Not a BLACK wizard, but a practitioner of the dark arts... Not dark like that... hmmmm...." voodoo magik say eat human teeth, gain strength" -- The Motherfuckin' Bible (Not to be confused with the holy bible.)

5.) Make a list

Everyone knows that if you make a stupid list nobody wants to read, you'll cure any heart wonkifications and/or chronic screamgasms.

6.) Shoot up hot, melted butter

USE CLEAN NEEDLES KIDS!!!

7.) Use dirty needles

Using a dirty needle, preferably one shared with another heart disease sufferer, can cure or even reverse imposify your disease. That's right, it can make you better and stronger than before.

8.) Lie to your loved-ones

Nobody preaches the clinically proven results of lying to your family and friends. 100% of people who are recovered cancer patients who lie to their friends and family about having recovered, stay CANCER FREE!!! The benefits of untruths cannot be told.

UPDATE 9/23: Made it through 2/3 the liter of whiskey.